In the beginning there was nothing, but then everything happened...

Having recently purchased a desk for my computer, and having run into the problem of wearing the small instruction manual I had been using as a mouse-pad thin, I found myself wanting a proper mouse pad. I began my search going to ol' reliable - amazon.ca. I was quite surprised by the sheer number of mouse pads that they had for sale, and equally stunned by the number of garbage designs that I was seeing. Tired of all the trash that the site offered, I instead went to Google, to search my way through the interwebs to find the perfect match for me. "Buy mouse pads online", a simple search that I was sure would yield the results that I had hoped. 9,000,000 results. The number was staggering, but like a good internet user I knew that if it was not on the first page, it would not likely be worth inspecting. I don't know why what I saw was surprising to me, but nonetheless, one of the first results that I found was for best-buy. I guess I had never made the connection that a place that sells computers, and computer accessories, would ever sell something that isn't electronic. Intrigued, I clicked the site and began my search anew. Familiar with the yellow and blue of Best Buy, I swiftly made my way to the mousepads, and sorting by price from lowest to highest, due to me being a poor-boi, skimmed the site with hope renewed. I was, however, disappointed again. More bland designs, more black pads that had to oomf to them. I had a thought at that moment, if BestBuy sold mousepads, then certainly the store to end all stores would also sell them. I quickly made my way, less excited, and more disappointed than ever, to the haven that is Walmart.ca. The Holy glow that surround the site began to fade however, as even though the prices were low, so were the number of mousepads. At this point I had nigh given up at the idea that I would find a mousepad that I actually enjoyed. I went back to Google and continued my search. The next item on the list, VistaPrint - Create Custom Mouse Pads. This was it, the answer that I had been looking for, but what should I put on the mousepad, that quest was one of the most difficult of all. I thought and thought, but no inspiration was coming to me. Unlike most people, I don't actually like a lot of things enough to buy products because of the connection, so choosing an image was very difficult. Stuck in a rut, I decided to go back to Amazon to see if I could find inspiration in one of the designs, or in other words, rip the design off but make it better. Page after page had nothing, so I went further and further down the rabbit hole, eventually hitting a wall of mouse pads by the same company. Continuing to scroll through them, I eventually got annoyed and just picked a random page, hoping to pass the highly prolific manufacturer. When loaded the page seemed to be just like any other, though I was past the brand, nothing was very interesting. Then I hit the bottom, the last item on the page. This was the Holy Grail, this was the one that I needed in my life. It was terrible, the design and the saying, I can still picture it now, 6 months later as I write this story - "Mommy needs another glass of wine." Little did I know that this would have a deep and profound effect on my life.

As I sat there enveloped in the warmth and laughter that only such an eclectic saying could generate, I was almost happy. After a short while I knew that i needed this for my mousepad, but it didn't seem like it was quite enough. I needed something more, more random, more absurd, more swaggy. My mind immediately gave me the answer. Instead of mother, replace it with grandma, instead of wine, a cigarette. GENIOUS. But it didn't stop there. It needed to rhyme, to flow. Grandma, gran, noona, granny, yes, granny. But what of cigarette. I pondered, cig, smoke, ciggy, by god, ciggy. That was it. Granny needs another ciggy. My mousepad, my dream come true. But why another, shouldn't she need one first, a story needs continuity. I dove into photoshop, not a trial or torrent, but actually purchased for i finally had a job and disposable income. My second project. Baby puke green background, purple font (the most garbage tier colour), emojis, white background and all, and to bring it all together, comic sans. This was it, I needed this in my life. I knew what had to be done. "Custom mouse pads", a search which brought me to VistaPrint, that company that always shills business cards in tv. I had no idea that they did more, and I was about to find out they do more than I could even imagine. Boom, straight to create mousepad, upload image, scale, position, done, purchase. 30 seconds, tops. Sometimes my genius surprises even myself, if I'm to be honest. Then I came to checkout, and was greeted with options. Would you like to add these custom items to your order? My holy Jesus of suburbia, yes I would. A t-shirt, 2 t-shirts, my roommate deserved to wear only the finest clothes, and I was the only one who could offer them. A hat, I look bad in hats so it made sense, and a mug, to hold my hot beverages and allow me to sup upon the bosom of my ciggy smoking granny.